The All Our Minds project | On Submission and Teamwork

The word “submit” isn’t a very popular one.

For many people, submission registers as a tragic loss of individuality or power. If I’m submitting to you, then I can’t possibly be living my best life or following my aspirations. At the very least, I’m giving up part of myself.

In a culture that celebrates the voice, strength and ableness of the modern woman, Ephesians 5 hits us like a ton of bricks with this six letter verb: submit. “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord” (5:22).

I kid you not, I’ve seen women physically twitch while reading this passage. It’s one that a lot of us struggle to reconcile in our own hearts and marriages. Some get defensive. Others just get confused. And still others try to ignore it altogether. God made me a strong & independent woman, so this passage must not be for me.

But I don’t believe in cherry-picking around the parts of the Bible that make us uncomfortable. I think it’s important for both women and men to work out how this passage informs our relationships. The person who asked today’s question seems to agree.

What’s the balance between wives submitting to their husbands and working together as a team in marital decisions?

With less than two years of marriage under my belt, I decided to call in for reinforcements on this one. I sent this question to a handful of women in my community and asked them to share their own responses to it. These women represent a broad spectrum of thoughts and experiences with this topic. Their responses have helped me think through this passage in new ways. I hope they do the same for you.

Mary T., 2 years married

“A lot of times, we think that being submissive means that our husbands “win,” but marriage takes two people and at the center of it is God. I have learned that the ‘I know best’ attitude doesn't get me very far and that it's important for me to speak my mind in a loving and respectful manner. “

Charissa B., 3 years married

“Looking at physical balance lends itself nicely to understanding the balance within a marriage. First and foremost, it is important that the husband and wife share a common goal, direction, or vision. This goal should consider the needs and desires of both individuals.

Having moved to 3 different states within the first 2 years of our marriage, my husband and I have had to figure out what our focal point is, and how to have discussions that inform this ultimate goal without ignoring the needs of each other.  These decisions were never made in one definitive moment. Rather, they were the result of a culture of mutual service and sacrifice within our marriage.

The Bible calls for wives to submit to their husbands and for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church, by laying down his life for her (Eph 5:22-26). Practically speaking, this looks like mutual and perpetual sacrifice on both ends.

Within a marriage, two individuals come together and become one new creation, not one pre-existing creation with a tag-along. Norman Shidle, author of the books Formula for Harmonious Action and The Art of Successful Communication, once said, “A group becomes a team when each member is sure enough of himself and his contribution to praise the skills of others.”

When you celebrate each other’s gifts and strengths within a marriage, and aim to put the others’ needs before your own, submission naturally falls into place. I know that my opinion has a place in our marriage, and I know that ultimately my husband has my best interest in mind; he knows the same.

Though conversations surrounding big decisions can be heated at times, the end result looks like mutual give and take. Because I know that I am heard and my needs are acknowledged, I trust my husband’s leadership and direction within our marriage. My prayer is that he feels empowered to lead as a result of his needs being understood and respected as well.”

Emily T., 4 years married

“There is no ‘balance’ between submission and unity in marriage. They are not opposites of each other or ends of an extreme. They aren’t mutually exclusive. By the world’s definition of these concepts we see conflict. It is almost impossible for us to not see one’s position as fully influencing importance or value. In this context, leadership and submission become loaded terms.

We have to understand the terminology as the Bible uses it. The church and the body are used as the descriptors of marriage. The body cannot be at odds with itself and function well. The head can’t make selfish decisions without affecting itself, it has to love and serve the body to sustain itself and vice versa. The head is not a separate entity from the body, but it has a role as part of the body. The body exists as one, moving together toward a common goal.

This analogy has been so helpful in terms of realigning my thoughts when I’ve struggled to apply this passage. We don’t refer to the body and head as a team. It would sound silly to praise someone’s body for good team work. The body and brain communicate and the head instigates action which the head and body carry out as one. When spouses don’t communicate well, the body can’t be productive because disunity makes the body dysfunctional.

My husband and I are extremely different and sometimes we cannot come to an agreement after communicating at length. In those moments, I have a few options. If I believe that’s what my husband wants is actually sin, then I can submit to God’s ultimate authority and not comply with my husband. If it’s just a different opinion—and let’s be real, it’s usually a difference of opinion, not a sin issue—then I can allow my husband to make the final decision and walk with him in the outcome of that decision. Or lastly, I can just choose to do my own thing, and lose out on the gift that is oneness in marriage. That last option will make both of us less effective and prevent us from reflecting the unity of Christ and the Church in our lives to the world around us.”

Grace S., 6 years married

“I’d always had trouble with “Wives submit to your husbands” until it was pointed out that the passage also heavily highlights for men to submit to their wives. It was a topic of discussion during our premarital counseling that made me realize how this verse was taken out of context quite frequently!

When it comes to marriage, it’s ultimately about trust, communication, and being prayerful about the matter at hand. It’s never been about me cowering in submission as my husband declares his choosing, but more of us talking out our points and coming to an understanding of how to best navigate what is in front of us. There are times that even after praying about something and giving it to the Lord that I am still struggling. In those instances I trust that my husband will make the best decision for the opportunity. I say opportunity and not issue because I know God will provide a way for it— whatever “it” is—to work out albeit unclear in the moment.

In marital decision-making, it’s not about who has the upper hand but rather about trusting that your God-given partner is going after what will have the best outcome for that matter. Thomas and I do our best to make decisions together regardless of how significant or mundane the opportunity may be.”

Anonymous, 7 years married

Ah, the timeless verse from Ephesians 5, "Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do the Lord." When I first was married, I strived to be the perfect wife, submitting to my husband in all decisions, from the little mundane decisions about what to make for dinner, to the grandiose financial decisions. Now, I feel like I've hit a healthy homeostasis, through many trials and a few errors, balancing knowing when to consult my husband in decisions and when to make decisions on my own. I have come to understand that I need to submit to my husband in all things and that is when the Lord is truly honored.

As my love for my husband and my trust in the Lord has grown, I have grown in worship of my Lord, in turn growing in my to desire to submit to my husband, rather than doing it out of legalism and people-pleasing. Trusting that the Lord has put my husband as my shepherd and caretaker has helped me make decisions with him humbly and graciously. He shows his care and trust of me, building me up as his wife and affirming that I am my own person. In turn, I consider his well-being in my heart, as I make decisions for myself and my family.

We balance our decisions by always remembering we are on the same team. We remember our bond as a family as we make decisions together or apart, journeying through life and striving to honor and glorify God.

Anonymous, 9 years married

“My husband and I actually tag team A LOT. I think it’s part of the respect we have for each other and the love and care we show toward one another with our sacrifices to and for each other. He still makes the last call on things but we definitely have an open dialogue with whatever we are going through. I submit by considering and accepting his advice on things. I know that he has a Christ-honoring perspective, so I’m willing to submit the decision making into his hands. That’s a big reason why it’s so important to be equally yoked.”

Silva M.E., 17 years married

“Submission is a tricky word. In our society it has explosive undertones of oppression and power and control. Is this what we want to bring into our marriages? As someone who studied women’s lib and considers herself a feminist, I really had to step back when I got engaged–from myself and my own thoughts–into a Christ-focused mindset. I had to retrain my thinking away from myself and toward Christ. I had to remind myself that Christ is holding the scale and that my husband and I are of equal weight to Him.

In marriage, it’s not husband against wife or wife against husband in a power struggle over who will “wear the pants.” Do we even realize how ridiculous that sounds? Marriage is a team, with a coach, a captain and a player. Jesus is the coach, the husband is the captain, and the wife is the player. In many ways, she’s a STAR player. But there can only be one coach and one captain.

The mistake we make is in thinking that we are losing our voice, or don’t have a say, or aren’t as important. Those are the devil’s lies. The Bible says to wives, “Be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” The Lord loves us, cares for us, protects us, wants to hear from us, wants to give us the desires of our heart – and so should a good, God-fearing husband.

In my own marriage, I have no shortage of opinions about anything. My husband and I discuss everything and usually come to decisions together. He values what I bring to the table. However, if we disagree, he will have the final say. I am okay with that. I know that he loves the Lord, he loves me and he wants the best for our family. If he made a decision that drew us away from Christ, I would definitely object and stand my ground. We’ve had lots of disagreements and many lively “debates” about matters affecting our family. But in our years of marriage, my husband has pulled the “I’m the head of our family so what I say goes” card once–ONCE. And he was right to do it.

The weight of a family’s spiritual life is on the husband, not the wife. It is the husband who will answer to the Lord for how he lead his family. And so I will joyfully submit to my husband in all matters with the comforting knowledge and trust that he will lead me and our sons toward Jesus. It took me a long time to reach this point.

Honestly, I still sometimes feel a twitch of “you don’t own me!” But that is my childish, worldly reaction to not always being in charge, and that is my own sin to deal with. Knowing God, knowing His word, and most importantly, choosing a godly husband, will help smooth the path to a Christ-centered marriage in which willing submission is a natural part of making marital decisions.”

Mariet S., 27 years married

“Submission of wives to their husbands has usually been emphasized, but sometimes we forget that there is a harder responsibility on the husbands’ shoulders. They need to love their wives, just as Christ did. They need to love them selflessly and should be willing to give their all for them.

“In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church…” (5:28-29 NIV). “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (5:33 NIV).

When your husband loves you selflessly and cares for your emotional and physical needs, as a wife, you also are willing to do your all to please him and to show your love, gratitude, and respect. In this kind of relationship, both parties try to “outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10 ESV). It is not a matter of power struggle anymore, but each one tries to consider the interests of the other side first. Of course, this needs sacrifice from both sides, which in turn strengthens the relationship and mutual love.”

So now what?

There seems to be an underlying message in all of these responses: submission in marriage is a lot more about love than control. It requires sacrifice from both parties in service of a greater goal to glorify God as a team. A give and take that’s rooted in a mutual desire to honor Him and each other.

Whether you’re married, dating or single, I hope that these personal stories help you think through this topic in a very tangible way. Please share your own thoughts and responses in the comments below.

The All Our Minds project | On God’s Wrath & Love

In the Christian faith, we talk a lot about God being just. He balances the scales of justice. He exacts justice. He is just in all His ways. He is the ultimate Judge.

Sooner or later, these phrases just start rolling off our tongues like trite cliches or rehearsed lines. We know they’re true. We’ve accepted them as God’s truth. We’ve committed them to memory—yet, we’ve never really put them under the microscope. And even if we have, we’ve probably never focused our microscope past the blur. We’ve never really, truly, fully understood the implications of worshiping a just God.

Well friends, dust off your microscopes because question #8 has arrived. Here it is:

How do we reconcile God’s good & loving nature with His violent wrath in the Old Testament?

As far as I can tell, God’s justice lives at the corner of His love and His wrath. Let’s take a closer look at how the two work together to make Him the just God we’re always talking about.

God created the world & therefore defines the parameters of justice within it

A helpful reminder, right? Whenever the thought “but why would God allow X to happen?” enter my mind, I have to remember that this is my Father’s world. “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth”—they’re literally the very first words in the Bible (Genesis 1:1). And if God created the heavens and the earth, that means He has full veto power over everything that happens on it.

Justin Taylor, SVP and Publisher at Crossway, put it this way in a Gospel Coalition article: “As Deuteronomy 32:4 says, ‘all God’s ways are justice’—by definition. If God does it, it is just. And since the triune God is inherently relational, the Bible says that God is love—and therefore all of his justice is ultimately born from and aiming toward love” (Taylor par. 5). Basically, if we believe what the Bible says is true—that “God is love” (1 John 4:8) and that “all God’s ways are justice”—than it stands to reason that everything He does is rooted in love.

After establishing this, Taylor continues: “While it is ultimately illegitimate to ask if God’s ways are just in securing the Promised Land, it is perfectly appropriate and edifying to seek understanding on how God’s ways are just—whether in commissioning the destruction of the Canaanites or in any other action. This is the task of theology—seeing how various aspects of God’s truth and revelation cohere” (Taylor par. 6). Once we’ve accepted the biblical truth that God’s ways—all of them—are in fact just, we can earnest approach His throne with hearts that ask “but how?”

Love & wrath are not mutually exclusive

There are certain passages in the Old Testament that, on their surface, seem to present us with the image of a less-than-loving God. From “blotting out every living thing” with the flood to taking vengeance on the Midianites in Numbers 31, we see Him go to some pretty extreme lengths to make His glory known.

When we read these passages, it’s hard not to wonder how our God of love orders the death of mothers and children or allows the destruction of entire nations. As we think through this, I think it’s helpful to look at a specific passage. Let’s head to Deuteronomy 4:25-28:

“After you have had children and grandchildren and have lived in the land a long time—if you then become corrupt and make any kind of idol, doing evil in the eyes of the Lord your God and arousing his anger, I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you this day that you will quickly perish from the land that you are crossing the Jordan to possess. You will not live there long but will certainly be destroyed. The Lord will scatter you among the peoples, and only a few of you will survive among the nations to which the Lord will drive you. There you will worship man-made gods of wood and stone, which cannot see or hear or eat or smell.”

In this passage, Moses is warning the Israelites that choosing to worship other gods will ultimately drive them out of the promised land and into great suffering. He says that they will be scattered among many nations where few will survive.

With this warning, Moses reminds the people of Israel that turning away from God has serious consequences. Consequences that some may find drastic, violent or even un-loving. But notice how Moses’ words in the next three verses reveal the heart behind these consequences:

“But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul. When you are in distress and all these things have happened to you, then in later days you will return to the Lord your God and obey him. For the Lord your God is a merciful God; he will not abandon or destroy you or forget the covenant with your ancestors, which he confirmed to them by oath” (Deut. 4:29-31).

Man’s forgetfulness is a major theme throughout God’s Word. God reveals His faithfulness. Then, He is praised. His faithfulness is forgotten. Man sins. God punishes. Man repents. God forgives. And the cycle continues. The Israelites are the best example of this in the Old Testament. Over and over, God makes a way for them. Over and over, they forget His faithfulness and turn to other gods. It’s only through the consequences of turning away that they are humbled and reminded of God’s faithfulness to provide.

Later in Deuteronomy, Moses tells the Israelites to ”Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years...He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord” (Deut. 8:2-3).

When we’re confronted by instances of God’s wrath in the Old Testament, it’s easy for us to question His loving nature. How could a loving God be so full of wrath? But this passage helps us see that His love and His wrath are far from mutually exclusive, as it is often His wrath which guides the Israelites back to Him after a season of forgetfulness.

God’s love & wrath intersect at the cross—where our hope is born

A few weeks ago, I shared a response to a question about suffering. In it, I talked about how I don’t believe that the suffering we experience today is a consequence of personal sin—which may seem like a contradiction of what I’ve just said. Here’s why it’s not.

For starters, I want to call out the distinction that’s often made between “Old Testament God” and “New Testament God.” A lot of people talk about the “Old Testament God” being the God of wrath and the “New Testament God” being the God of love and forgiveness. But Christians worship one God whose narrative and attributes are consistent throughout all of Scripture. The New Testament doesn’t introduce us to a new god. Rather, it invites us into a new relationship with the same God. A relationship that’s made possible through Christ’s work on the cross.

During the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” (Matt. 5:17-18). He does this through the ultimate act of unconditional love: enduring the totality of God’s wrath on our behalf. Because Christ has paid the price of sin in full, our relationship with God has changed drastically. Rather, it’s been restored.

Certain of our inability to perfectly fulfill the law on our own accord, “God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith” (Rom. 3:25). Instead of allowing the sin of mankind to forever remain unaccounted for—which would have made Him an unjust God—He did this “to demonstrate his righteousness at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus” (Rom. 3:26).

Jesus’ sacrifice doesn’t eliminate the presence of suffering in our lives. It does however eliminate our need to suffer as a consequence of sin. Instead of desperately grasping at straws to make ourselves worthy according to the law, we’re now justified by faith in Jesus. This is the hope we find when God’s love and wrath intersect at the cross.

So now what?

In thinking through this question, it’s worth remembering that the character of our almighty God cannot be limited to the confines of our finite logic. As citizens, we accept that the president has the authority to do things that we don’t. As children, we accept that our parents have the authority to do things that we don’t. And as children of God, we must accept the same.

I say these things not to discourage us from probing to understand the ways of God. In fact, I believe that bringing our questions before God is an act of worship. It reveals our deepest desire to be in true relationship with Him. But in the hidden crevices and darkest corners of our searching, let us remember to savor the mystery of His unsearchable ways.

Donald Miller captures this idea perfectly in his novel, Blue Like Jazz. I’ll leave you with his words:

“At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder” (Miller 206).

Resources:

God in the Dock, C.S. Lewis

Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller

www.rforh.com/resources/know-it/diving-deeper/god-old-testament-moral-monster-part-1#_ftn1

www.rforh.com/resources/know-it/diving-deeper/god-old-testament-moral-monster-part-2

www.desiringgod.org/articles/how-christ-fulfilled-and-ended-the-old-testament-regime

www.thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justin-taylor/how-could-god-command-genocide-in-the-old-testament-2/

the All Our Minds project | On Turning the Other Cheek

“But he hit me first!”

Anybody who grew up with siblings has tried this line before. I’m not sure where we all get it from, but this idea of “You hurt me so I can hurt you” seems to be one that every kid needs to unlearn at some point. Some catch on quicker than others.

Today’s question focuses on boundaries, retaliation and turning the other cheek: When Jesus says Christians are called to turn the other cheek, how is that reconciled with setting healthy boundaries in relationships? (i.e. not staying in an abusive relationship)

For starters, context is everything

As with any part of the Bible, it’s important for us to look at these verses with an awareness of what’s going on around them. When we look at all the topics covered in Matthew 5, we see that most of them have to with either love or the lack of it. Anger. Lust. Retaliation. Loving your enemies. They all fall under that umbrella. Noticing that theme helps us interpret the bigger picture of each section.

With that framework, we can get at the heart of verses 38-42:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you. ”

Simply put, this passage challenges us not to retaliate against the people who wrong us. The verses that follow challenge us to love and pray for our enemies. In Jesus’ day, slapping somebody was viewed as more of an insult than a physical attack. And so, the call to turn the other cheek is ultimately a call to choose love over our own pride. This kind of humility surprises your enemy with a glimpse into Christ’s mercy. I’m reminded of Paul’s words in Romans 12:21: “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

While forming my response to this question, I came across several articles that touched on the provided example about turning the other cheek to an abuser. There are many people who choose to isolate this verse and point to it as a commandment to stay in an abusive relationship. That’s a very harmful and narrow misinterpretation of this passage. The aim in turning the other cheek is to effect change and repentance in the person committing violence against you. Silently and repeatedly allowing yourself to be abused won’t break the cycle of evil. In that situation, turning the other cheek might look like choosing not to hurt the person back or seek revenge once you’ve escaped to safety.

Jesus Himself spoke out when the high priest struck Him while He was being questioned (John 18:23). He wasn’t silent to abuse in the name of turning the other cheek—and you shouldn’t be either.

Laying your life down is not the same as somebody taking it from you

When I came across this point in my research, I heard the light switch flip in my head. It showed up in a Gospel Coalition article (link in “Resources”) written by Bay area pastor Chris Nye. Here’s what he had to say on this point about turning the other cheek(Nye, pars. 4-5):

“Scripture instructs us to “lay down our lives” for Christ’s sake and to take up our cross (1 John 3:16; Matt. 16:24). But notice the active agent in that sentence: you. There is a difference between voluntarily laying down your life and someone taking your life from you. Jesus said he laid down his life so that he “may take it up again.” He went on: “No one takes [my life] from me, but I lay it down of my own accord” (John 10:18).

There were many times Jesus could have allowed his life to be taken, but he escaped because “his time had not come yet” (John 7:30, 44; 10:39). We need not pity Jesus for his death—he was accomplishing his mission, on his terms. And we need not pity ourselves, out of a false martyrdom complex, when we allow dangerous or unhealthy people to dictate our lives. We must be certain that we, like Jesus, are laying our lives down on our own accord and not having them taken from us by life-sucking individuals
”

Thoughts?

To me, this was a much-needed reminder of Jesus’ intentionality in staying true to His mission. Every decision He made during His earthly ministry was made with Calvary and resurrection in mind. Whenever we see Jesus turning the other cheek (Matt. 26:49-50, 63, 27:24), we know He’s not doing it in a spirit of passivity. It’s an active sacrifice and surrendering of Himself with the goal of accomplishing the greater mission of reconciling us to God. He was always acting out of His known purpose, which included actively giving of Himself to others rather than passively being taken from by other.

We need to draw healthy boundaries...just like Jesus did

As we think through how to reconcile turning the other cheek with setting healthy boundaries, Jesus’ example gives us a great benchmark. After being arrested in the garden of Gethsemane, Jesus was silent in His pain, knowing that the suffering to come was the fulfillment of His mission on earth. But whenever Jesus was faced with a task outside of the scope His known purpose, He drew boundaries in service to His ultimate mission.

One example of this can be found in Luke 12, when a person in the crowd calls upon Jesus to settle a dispute between him and his brother. He says, “Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me” (12:13). First off, bold move telling Jesus what to do—just sayin’. But He responds by saying, “Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?” (12:14). Nye comments on this moment as well, saying that, “Jesus understood when he was being asked to do things outside of the focus of his ministry. He knew his calling, he knew his ministry, and he protected these things while remaining remarkably compassionate” (Nye, par 8).

Jesus pushed back when confronted with distractions from His mission. I believe that we as Christians need to do the same. We know the callings that He has given us (Matt. 28:19-20; Matt. 22:37-40) and if there are people or commitments that are preventing us from fulfilling them, we honor Him by drawing healthy boundaries.

So now what?

We focused a lot on extremes in this response. Abuse. “Life-sucking individuals.” Drawing boundaries. We’ve acknowledged that turning the other cheek is not synonymous with allowing manipulative people to rule your life. All of that is true and biblical and important.

Now, after addressing the extremes, I want to challenge you to turn the other cheek more often than you want to. More often than your pride tells you to. I promise you this: You do not need to be right all the time. You don’t need to have the final word and win every argument. You don’t need to take revenge or enact justice when you’ve been wronged. And you don’t need to make your enemies “pay” because Jesus has already paid for them—and for you. 

Call me a broken record, but every question that we’ve explored so far has boiled down to one action: love. This question is no different. The love of Christ has fully reconciled us to God, which compels us to love one another in selfless and uncomfortable ways that often defy our hunger for justice. And so, “Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another” (1 John 4:11).

Resources:
https://www.biblegateway.com

https://christianity.net.au/questions/draw-the-line

https://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/turn-cheek-mean-well-get-walked/

https://www.christianitytoday.com/women/2012/june/did-karen-klein-do-right-thing-bullying-and-limits-of-turn.html

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/unsystematictheology/2016/01/turn-the-other-cheek-explained-in-context/

https://odb.org/1994/02/24/a-misunderstood-command/

https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/03/31/does-turn-the-other-cheek-mean-we-must-submit-to-abuse-by-jeff-crippen/

the All Our Minds project | On Suffering

Every morning, I wake up next to the man I love in a home I love. 

I drag my feet over to a closet full of clothes and spend too much time debating over what to wear. I take a hot shower and whine if the water gets too cold before I’m done. I grab my lunch from the fridge, snag my keys, kiss my husband goodbye and drive my car to work. I ride the elevator up to the sixth floor of an office building in my favorite city in LA—and then I spend the day reading and writing stories about people around the world who are suffering.

As a writer for non-profit organizations, I’m often overwhelmed by the amount of suffering that is being endured around the world at any given moment. Just this last week, I did four interviews with four different people across the US who had all struggled to stay alive while living on the streets. Then, there are the stories of children around the world who have lost their parents to riots or violence in their villages. Or maybe they’ve lost siblings to malnutrition or malaria. 

The stories are overwhelming. Every day, children suffer. Loved ones battle cancer. Parents lose their jobs. Families sleep in their cars. And the cycle continues. 

More often than not, I find myself wondering how I ended up on this side of suffering. Why am I sitting in an air-conditioned office drinking a soy hazelnut latte while the person in the story I’m working on is sitting in a refugee camp with her four hungry children, wondering if her husband is still alive?

Today’s question hits home for me. Here it is...

Some people’s lives are very easy and others’ are very difficult and painful. Where is God in all this? Why is it that some suffer while others don’t?

I’m just going to call this out from the very start: as somebody who has had a relatively easy life, I feel pretty uncomfortable responding to this question. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of struggles, challenges, doubts and letdowns. I’ve gone through seasons of feeling far from God. But I’ve also written enough of these stories and heard enough news reports to know that I’ve got it pretty good. 

So this is me getting a conversation started on a topic that makes me uncomfortable. I hope we can work together to discover God’s Truth on the matter. Here’s what I’ve come up with so far. 

1. God is our Comforter in suffering, not our enemy

This seems like an important starting point. Questions like “Does God cause suffering?” and “Why do bad things happen to good people?” come up often in both Christian and non-Christian circles alike. When bad fortune falls upon us or the people we love, our knee jerk reaction is to find someone to pin it on. Someone to blame. Someone to throw all of our anger and sadness at. And when we can’t find that person, we shake our fists at the heavens and convince ourselves that God is the cause of it all. 

Then, we remember that sickness, sorrow and pain have never been part of God’s ultimate plan for us. That they’re the by-products of a fallen world that exists outside of the perfection that He desires and intends for us. The perfection that Adam and Eve traded for a sweet piece of fruit. The perfection that God sent Jesus Christ to restore. By sacrificing His only son for our sake, God makes it clear that He is for us, not against us. He’s the reconciler, not the divider. “In this world you will have trouble,” says Jesus,  “But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

In the depths of any suffering, remember this: Your pain is real AND God is not your enemy. My mind goes straight to Psalm 23, where David talks about God being with him in the green pastures, still waters, paths of righteousness, valley of death, and presence of his enemies. When we look at the different verbs that David uses to describe what God is doing in each of these places, we see only verbs of comfort and peace. We see Him “lead,” “restore,” “comfort,” “prepare,” “anoint.” Through the green pastures and the valley of the shadow of death, He will be our good shepherd.

When we choose to make God our enemy because nobody else fits the bill, we miss out on the peace, comfort and strength that can only be found in Him. 

2. Suffering isn’t something we earn or don’t earn. It just is. 

In trying to understand why some people experience more suffering than others, it’s becoming more and more clear to me that suffering is not a consequence of personal sin. What better example is there of this than Jesus? Jesus led a sinless and blameless life and yet He suffered more than anybody else ever will. Along with Jesus, many of the most righteous people in the Bible are the people who experienced the most extreme suffering. God Himself described Job as “blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil,” and yet Job lost everything. All twelve of Christ’s disciples faced many trials and were ultimately martyred for their faith. 

On the flip side, we live in a cut-throat world filled with a fair share of people who lie, steal and cheat their way to the top. Many of these people seem to avoid suffering and find “success” by the world’s standards. With that being the case, thinking of suffering as something that is either deserved or not deserved just doesn’t add up. 

During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says “He makes his sun rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous” (Matthew 5:45). Whether you are evil or good, righteous or unrighteous, we all experience some form of suffering. It just is. 

3. Your experience of suffering is shaped by your cultural context

My dad has been a pastor for over thirty years, so sometimes I call him to talk through the questions I receive for this project. This is one thing he mentioned on this topic that really stuck out to me. The idea that suffering is interpreted differently in different parts of the world. For instance, many of us who were born and raised in the states have the mentality that nothing bad should happen to us. The tiniest inconvenience will be photographed, instagrammed, and captioned with angry face emojis. This is what I was talking about at the beginning of this response. Why do I complain about having too many clothes or whine when my shower water gets cold too fast? Because culture has given me a superficial understanding of what suffering is. 

I have a vivid memory of a pastor from the Middle East speaking at my church years ago. He was giving the congregation an update on the state of his church, his community and the many trials his country was facing. Towards the end of his message, he said something that gave me pause. He said “I often receive word that churches in the states are praying that our suffering will end, and I want you all to know that we pray for your faith to remain strong and vibrant in the absence of suffering.” Wow. If that’s not a punch to the gut, I don’t know what is. 

This pastor’s view of suffering has been shaped by his circumstances, but more importantly, it has been shaped by God’s Word. In his first letter to Christians in the Roman Empire, Peter wrote, “Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed” (1 Peter 4:12-13).

4. God doesn’t cause our suffering, but He sanctifies us through it

Some people experience more suffering than others, yes. There’s no denying that. And even if God is not the cause of that suffering, it can be difficult at times to understand why a loving God would even allow that suffering to exist. This is why. It’s because “suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame” (Romans 5:3-5). 

Instead of quoting C.S. Lewis this time, I’m going to quote a scene from the movie Shadowlands… which is about the life of C.S. Lewis. Here’s a monologue about suffering that screenwriter William Nicholson wrote and Anthony Hopkins performed for the on-screen character of C.S. Lewis:

Does God want us to suffer? What if the answer to that question is ‘yes’? You see, I don’t think that God particularly wants us to be happy. I think He wants us to love and be loved. He wants us to grow up.

You see, we are like children who think that our toys bring us all the happiness there is, and that our nursery is the whole wide world. But something has to drive us out into the world of others, and that thing is suffering. Put simply, pain is God's megaphone to rouse a deaf world.

We're like blocks of stone out of which the sculptor carves the forms of men. The blows of his chisel, which hurt us so much, are what make us perfect. The suffering in the world is not the failure of God's love for us; it is that love in action. For believe me, this world that seems to us so substantial, is no more than the shadowlands. Real life has not begun yet.

Once we finally strip away all of these false perceptions that we have about suffering—that it’s caused by God, that it’s somehow deserved or undeserved—we can begin to see His redemptive plan for it. We can begin to see that neither suffering nor comfort are ever the end in themselves. That the pain of the chisel is what forms us into works of art. 

It’s only in the light of that realization that we can live out the truth of 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, knowing that, “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.” 

So now what?
As a living, breathing human being in this fallen world, there’s probably something in your life that’s not going your way right now. Regardless of how big or small you think your suffering is, look to God for comfort, guidance and peace. Let Him be the hope you find in the messy middle of your refining fire. 

Writing this response has made me realize that there’s really no sense in wondering why I have the life that I have. All I know is that God has a purpose for me here and that His love implores me to live whatever life I have for Him and Him alone. 

In the Gospel of Luke, Jesus says, “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48). If you’ve been given much, consider how you can bring light and hope into the suffering of others. Pray that God would break your heart for what breaks His—and that He would fill you with the conviction and strength to do something about it. 

When your cup is full, turn to your neighbor and pour into his. Commit to stewarding all that you have and are for the glory of God the Father, for He “will never leave you nor forsake you.” (Hebrews 13:5).

References:
https://www.biblegateway.com/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSxp30wExEs
 

the All Our Minds project | On Disagreeing Well

A few weeks ago, I went to see the new Mr. Rogers documentary, Won’t You Be My Neighbor?. I went with my husband, who had already seen it once...less than 24 hours prior. Clearly, he was a fan. And it didn’t take long for me to understand why.  

Confession: I actually have no memory of ever watching Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood as a kid, but I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority. From what I can tell, most people who grew up in America any time between the late 60s to the early 2000s remember this show with fondness.

After watching the documentary, it’s obvious to me why so many people have been impacted by this man’s work. It’s because he genuinely loved his neighbors—and he did it with courage, compassion and kindness.

“You know, I think everybody longs to be loved,” he said, “and longs to know that he or she is lovable. And, consequently, the greatest thing that we can do is to help somebody know that they’re loved and capable of loving.”

As an ordained minister working in television, Rogers was constantly interacting with people who thought and acted different than he did. Many of his Christian values were likely challenged on a regular basis. But instead of insulating himself from opposing viewpoints and hiding in a Christian bubble, he held tightly to Truth and brought love into the messy middle.

Here’s today’s question...

Is it possible to love someone like Jesus loved while still disagreeing with something that's a huge part of who that person is? If so, what does that look like?

Mr. Rogers would say yes, and so would I. I absolutely believe that it’s both possible and crucial for us to love in this way… but that doesn’t make it easy. As fond as I’ve grown towards Mr. Rogers over these past few weeks, I know a guy who sets an even better example of Christ-like love. A perfect example, if you will. Enter Jesus.

Our perfect example of loving people we disagree with

The only way that we’re going to get a good pulse on how to love like Jesus loved is by looking to His example. Literally every person who Jesus crossed paths with during His time on this earth had something in their life that He disagreed with. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). Our sin is offensive to Him and it’s the reason why He suffered so intensely on the cross. But despite all of that—despite the anguish and sorrow that only He knew that He would suffer—He still chose to love unconditionally.  

In one of the most widely quoted Bible passages of all time—second only to John 3:16—Paul tells us what love is and what it isn’t. I’m talking about 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”

Jesus’ greatest commandment tells us to follow His example of love in our own lives: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’” (Matthew 22:37-39). Let’s take a look at how Jesus lived this out in His ministry on earth, despite disagreeing with the choices and lifestyles of the people around Him.

He broke bread with them

Some times, I think about why God created us to need food. Our bodies literally can’t survive without it. We have this regular cycle of hunger and satiation that repeats itself from the day we’re born until the day we die. But why? I’m sure there are many reasons, but I believe that one of them is because our hunger for food is a need that creates fellowship. It gives us one more reason, one more opportunity, to step outside of ourselves and interact with the communities around us.  

Jesus was notorious for eating meals with people who were thought of as unclean. Lepers. Adulterers. Liars. Cheaters. Tax collectors. The Pharisees were pretty confused by the company He kept. “They asked his disciples, “Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?” On hearing this, Jesus said, “It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners” (Matthew 9:11-12).

Jesus’ fellowship with sinners—aka all of us—is an act of love. By gathering and conversing with people whose lifestyles He disagreed with, He broke down the barriers and excuses pushing sinners away from His unconditional love. This is what His mission was all about. Eliminating the barriers that keep us away from God.

He spoke the truth in love

In thinking about this question, one story that immediately came to mind was that of the Samaritan woman in John 4. She comes to the well to get water during the hottest time of day because she is ashamed of her many sins, and Jesus meets here there to begin a conversation with her. He reminds her of all she’s done and tells her exactly who He is: the Messiah who can redeem her from it all. Through their brief, honest and raw exchange, “Many Samaritans from that town believed in Him because of the woman’s testimony” (4.39).

This type of grace-filled truth speaking gives us an example to aspire to. Often, we let our own judgments get in the way of loving others the way Christ does. In a previous post, I wrote that when we speak the truth without love, it reads as judgment—and none of us are in any position to judge anybody. That same idea is relevant to this conversation. It’s not our job to punish people for disobeying God. Our job is to love Him, to love our neighbors like ourselves, and to proclaim His Gospel {of love} with our words and deeds.

Following His example of unconditional love today

So now that we’ve taken a glimpse at how Jesus showed love to people He disagreed with, let’s think through how we can apply His example in our own lives. This quote by Frederick Buechner, a Presbyterian theologian {and friend of Mr. Rogers}, takes us to a good starting point.  

He writes: “If we are to love our neighbors, before doing anything else we must see our neighbors. With our imagination as well as our eyes, that is to say like artists, we must see not just their faces but the life behind and within their faces. Here it is love that is the frame we see them in.”

It might seem like a no-brainer but it’s worth saying: To love somebody, you need to see them. Take the time to learn how they became who they are. Listen before opening your mouth. Replace judgment with empathy. And speak the Truth in love by remaining humble in the knowledge that the Gospel covers your sins just as much as it covers theirs.  

When Jesus prayed for His disciples the night before His crucifixion, he said, “My prayer is not that you take them out of the world but that you protect them from the evil one” (John 17:15). With this simple prayer, Jesus made it clear that His followers are not called to insulate themselves from a world of people who think and act differently than they do. On the contrary, His entire earthly ministry was a living example of standing firm in Truth in the midst of opposition.

We’ve all heard it said before: good communication plays a significant role in healthy relationships. And I believe that it’s particularly critical in relationships with people who think differently than you. Love finds its strength in understanding, and you can’t understand somebody without first seeing and hearing them.

In my own efforts to understand people who lead lifestyles that don’t align with God’s Word, I often ask myself this question: Why would that person care that they aren’t living by God’s standards if they don’t believe in God? I definitely wouldn’t. This goes back to the motivation for obeying God’s law that we talked about a few weeks ago. Instead of approaching these conversations with judgment and condemnation, consider the heart of the matter. Introduce them to the living God of hope, redemption, love and new life. Once a person truly knows Him, the Holy Spirit begins the work of sanctification.

There are a lot of ways to show love to somebody. Some times, it means speaking a hard truth. Other times, it means offering a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. But if the love you give to somebody leaves them feeling hopeless, there's something missing. Let your love be hope-filled, Truth-filled and grace-filled, just like the love of our Savior.